I Have to Let Go of Myself

Drawing in the Sand

Dear friend,

I’m sharing this today with the hope that you’ll find some freedom in it. I’d love to hear your thoughts (reply or comment)!

Today I’m feeling lost and overwhelmed by my thoughts. Thoughts about my life. My goals. My tasks. Thoughts about my thoughts, and how to organize all of them.

At the same time, I’m feeling a growing sense of the difference between my thoughts — thoughts “about” what is — and what just… is.

“What is” is not overwhelming. Even though it’s infinite, and I can never “get my head around it,” there is no need to try. When it comes to all that is, there’s just not much for me to do about it.

As a tiny spec in an infinite universe, the only thing I can even think to do is just to be, which is not exactly easy, but it certainly isn’t complicated, or overwhelming. I can just do the exact opposite of what I usually think to do, up here in this head that is constantly overwhelmed with thoughts about my life… all I really need to do is to let go.

When I consider this, I realize that all of these thoughts — the goal-setting, task-management, scenario-playing, organizing, and if I’m honest, worrying — are just ways to attach myself to something that feels solid — to avoid the feeling of being pulled out to sea, or lost in an infinite space…

I want to feel I’m holding onto something. The problem is that the things I’m holding onto are only in my head. I’m no more secure holding on in this way than someone grasping at their own neck in order not to drown.

Only, in this case, the picture of certain death — of being lost at sea or drifting into space — is untrue. I am made for infinite space. I am meant to be free.

Infinite is exactly the amount of space I need in order to live to my true potential.

In order to live, I have to let go of myself.

I have to learn to trust the Current. To believe that it is kind. And that the gentle pull I feel to let go is not pulling me to my death, but inviting me to my life. My true life.

Maybe life is not about holding on. Maybe it’s better to let go.

I am not a finite being. I am not content with and cannot be contained by a task list, a set of goals, a spreadsheet, a social media profile, a career, a set of belongings or accomplishments, or anything which can be written down, thought about, planned, or defined.

If I’m honest, I’ve been driven in part — maybe subconsciously — by a hope that someone will write about how great I was after I die. A way to immortalize myself. But deep down I know that they probably won’t — whoever “they” is — because “they” are preoccupied worrying about who will write about them.

The plain truth — one we all know, yet spend our lives avoiding — is that no matter how epic our story, in just a few generations, no one will remember… at least not in the realm in which we’re trying to make a mark. It’s all just drawing in the sand. It lasts for a moment and then it’s gone.

…but what about the child who draws in the sand, not to be remembered, but for the fun of it? For the love of it?

The drawing disappears, but the joy of a child echoes for eternity.

I feel called back to the joy of a child. I feel the invitation to let go. Not to be pulled away to my death. But to be free to enjoy my life.

Our lists, goals, and thoughts “about” will amount to nothing — a drawing in the sand that lasts for only a moment. But our joy will echo for eternity.

Today my task is to let go of myself. To trust that the Current is kind. To feel what it’s like to float, to fly, to play and enjoy.

The “what if’s” that come up as a response to this invitation point to a belief that is not serving us. A root that must be pulled up.

Wake up! See how the belief that it is up to you to save yourself — that you must hold onto whatever you can in order not to drown — is leading straight to the death you’re trying so hard to avoid.

You can’t save yourself, or anyone else. You don’t have to. We are already saved. It is safe to let go. To trust. To enjoy.

Test it and see.

For just today, put down your worry. Let go of it completely. Feel the Current — decide that you can trust it. Follow it. Like a child who trusts their good father, spread your arms and fly.

Just for today. Tomorrow you can go back to your worry.

And if you don’t die today, let whatever happens today teach you for tomorrow. Tomorrow, you may even want to try this again.

—Nathan

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Originally posted at: https://nathanpeterson.net/drawing-in-the-sand/