I'm starting to wonder if the very things I try hardest to avoid—the feelings or situations I spend the most time worrying about—could be life's greatest gift to me.
That thought alone gives me a dreadful, sinking feeling. My whole body braces against it—my shoulders and jaw tense up, my neck gets tight, and I feel pressure in my chest. My body is screaming, "don't make me go there!"
This response is exactly why I think this may be a gift...
Just the thought of this fear of mine—let alone the idea that it may be a gift—causes me to close.
Having lived 45 years, one thing I have learned is that closing is not good. It cuts us off from our creativity, our power, and our presence. It leads to problems with our health, money, and relationships. On the other hand, openness, I am learning, is our path to happiness, health, and love.
So it makes perfect sense that I would want to avoid things that trigger fear in me at all costs.
Fear → Closing → Death So Fear = Bad
But there is a crucial missing piece.
Between our fear-stimulus (what triggers fear in us) and our fear-response (closing) is our belief.
Some things that scare me don't scare you at all. If I was able to magically become comfortable with the thing I am afraid of—if I was able to change my belief about its presence in my life—my response would change. I wouldn't close. The fear would completely lose its power. I would be free.
How can I be free if I require things to be a certain way in order to be okay? Even if I manage to organize my world in a way which isolates me from my fear-triggers, I am not free.
I can be afraid of spiders and spend my life organizing the world so that I never see a single one until I die, and I will have spent my entire life surrounded by spiders. The very feeling I wanted to avoid—being afraid of spiders—filled and ruled my life.
Avoiding what we're most afraid of brings it closer. It traps us in a room with it and nothing else.
And despite our very best efforts to avoid the situations that trigger our fears, life has a way of bringing those around anyway.
Life's intention is for us to be free.
The hardest thing about all of this is trust.
Can I choose to believe that I am not alone in a universe where if I don't take care of myself, no one else will?
Can I choose to believe that there is a current, that I am in it, and that when I let go it will take me exactly where my soul wants most to be?
Can I choose to believe that all is well? That I am right on track?
I know the alternative very well—grabbing on, tightening up, controlling, closing. These have never served me well. I might as well try a different way. I might as well try trusting.
When the things I'm trying hardest to avoid come up today, and I start to feel that sinking feeling, I will pause. I will choose to believe that life is offering me the gift of freedom. I will open my heart and allow myself to be healed and carried by the current.
Love the spider analogy! Thank you for sharing this.